More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
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Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes