5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
You Might Also Like
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
🛁
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE