[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
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I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.