I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
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What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Stop.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home