Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
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Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
So that’s what we looked like?
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.