Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
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Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
translated into Canadian
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
#CatsOnTwitter
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere