When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
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Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
Not today. 😅
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.