When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
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{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
selena gomez
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks