[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
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Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no