has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
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*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*