Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
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HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
(Jupiter –
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.