I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
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Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
A drum solo but on your face.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.