You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
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*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Meow
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
good work, detective
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
There’s no “us” in nachos.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.