This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
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Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana