Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
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date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
me linking you to my twitter
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
The sacred texts.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.