[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
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I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.