My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
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it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
we all know this pain all too well
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now