bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
You Might Also Like
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today