Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
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The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.