girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
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ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
I’d rather go liquor treating.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.