Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
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I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
The Friday File.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
not for long
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.