I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
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Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now