What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
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Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Seems a bit forward
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
I’m being attacked 😭
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?