Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
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Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
this has done me in for some reason
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
found this cool rock hiking today
The most important meal of the day is the next one
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
God has left this place
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)