Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
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Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
I might carry a baby with one hand.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.