The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
You Might Also Like
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?