meanwhile over on facebook
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If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.