Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
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Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.