I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
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Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
this is the greatest thing ever
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.