I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
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Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
thank god
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan