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fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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…
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2015: Taco Emoji!
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.