[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
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*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.