Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
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He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.