Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
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Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you