When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
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Alexa, make out with the Roomba
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”