Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
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we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
we all know this pain all too well
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂