My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
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How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.