My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
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1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.