*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
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Bit chilly again tonight.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.