‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
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I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
🛁
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Meow
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
*orders delivery*
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.