Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
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Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem