marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
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I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!