Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
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[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.