Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
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Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
shit just got real
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF