Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
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Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
I love art.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to