me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
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We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.