Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
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Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”