Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
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Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?