Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
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I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.