Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
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*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
scrabbled eggs
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.